Time to stop the BULLYING

I admit it, I haven’t been very timely in posting to my blog recently. Maybe it was the excitement of a new grandchild or just the summertime laziness. I admit that I am not inspired by all that is going on in our society. It seems that whenever I turn on the news the airwaves are filled with threats, accusations and lies. Not very inspirational but definitely depressing. So, I searched for the common thread that links all of this and it appears to be simplistically sad, it is all about power. Current day success seems to be more about dominating others and acquisition than working together. Modern day success seems to be achieved by attacking others and the biggest tool is BULLYING!

Check out the definition of a bully

BULLY

gerund or present participle: bullying

1. use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.

Sound like anyone you know? Possibly politicians that threaten each other with reelection if they don’t follow the party line, after all if they cooperate with each other in pursuing a common goal how could they be a “Winner.” Maybe it is a boss who threatens you with your job for no other reason than to exercise his power or the spouse who intimidates to get their way. Bullying does not just take place in a playground or on the internet. It is becoming epidemic in every part of society whether it is in the home, business, community and even in our churches! Depression, feelings of hopelessness, and increased risk of suicide are the result.

According to the CDC

• “Negative outcomes of bullying (for youth who bully others, youth who are bullied, and youth who both are bullied and bully others) may include: depression, anxiety, involvement in interpersonal violence or sexual violence, substance abuse, poor social functioning, and poor school performance, including lower grade point averages, standardized test scores, and poor attendance.
• Youth who report frequently bullying others and youth who report being frequently bullied are at increased risk for suicide-related behavior.
• Youth who report both bullying others and being bullied (bully-victims) have the highest risk for suicide- related behavior of any groups that report involvement in bullying.”

It might start on the playground but the effects of bullying can last throughout our lives. There are strong correlations between bullying and poor self esteem, depression, anxiety and a host of mental health issues. It can damage the victim’s ability to create and sustain healthy interpersonal relationships. The lack of self confidence it creates can even diminish our success on a job and hurt our earning power.

How to stop it? We need to stop it by teaching our new generation empathy and caring for others. There is no other real solution. There are a lot of studies that show one of the best ways to stop bullying is to teach empathy and care for others. Remember when you heard “How would you feel if………………………” from a parent or teacher? I am not talking about the politically correct belief that everything needs to be tolerated or approved of, but the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Studies have also shown that children who have been taught those skills also have a very positive impact on the victims of bullying. So, how can you teach that? First, by exposing your children to need. Be creative, there are lots of opportunities to teach this lesson.

The following excerpt from my book, THIRTY WAYS TO SCREW UP YOUR KIDS, is an example of using real life to teach empathy.

“At one time in my life, I drove a taxi. One of our regular fares was this little old lady who lived alone in a rundown shack. One of the highlights of her existence was to have a taxi bring her into town so she could shop for the basic necessities. Forget a tip, she could not even afford the fare. Being a lousy businessman, I allowed her to “charge” knowing that I would never get paid. Thanksgiving was approaching and I decided that my sons and I would drop off a basket of food. So, we filled a few bags, knocked on her door and were invited in. I don’t know who was more surprised, the lady or my sons. She never expected to be remembered and my sons never expected a woman older than their grandparents to be sitting in a dark cabin with the only source of heat coming from the stove. Until then, they never understood how true poverty could exist within affluence. Thanksgiving that year had a large dose of gratitude served with the turkey. They learned, as I want all children to learn, that there are people behind the statistics.”

Next, don’t emphasize winning at all costs. Competition is great but they should be encouraged to do their best rather than to “come in first.” Teach them to cheer for others, sit next to the lonely kid on the bench, and to congratulate the winner. The most important tool in the parental arsenal to combat bullying is simple.

THE GOLDEN RULE

Teach your children to treat others the way they want to be treated and the problem will be well on its way to a solution!

I know that we want our children to be comfortable and to be happy. We want them to be “winners”, but not at the expense of others. When we shield our children from reality or teach them that the most important thing in life is winning, we inadvertently create an environment that bullying can (and will) grow. Maybe politicians, bosses and “people in authority” should have an anti bullying/empathy orientation.   Rather than just learning the ins and outs of the corporate computer, maybe they should have to work a shift at a fast food joint, spend a night in a nursing home, wait on line for VA care, try to afford medication or stand on an unemployment line. Just thinking that they might learn something of real value.