Teach failure!
Failure is GOOD! If we want our children to be able to cope with the world, we need to teach our children that failure is not a negative commentary on their self worth. They need to understand that failing is a part of life. They need to realize that “failure” does not mean they are a bad person and that “success” doesn’t mean they are a good person. Most of us will fail more times in our lives than we will succeed. We will fail to get up on time, cook a tasty dish, get a promotion, or leave an indelible mark on the world. We fail at becoming the professional athlete, multimillionaire, or business tycoon. We go to bed thinking about the dreams we have yet to accomplish, what we need to get done, and what we have failed to do. We must do more tomorrow! We must prove our worth!
It is no wonder that the rates of mental illness are soaring. We aren’t living up to expectations! Our children are not living up to our definition of success! Look at how we as a society define success. Celebrities who live a life of excess and immoral behavior are held in awe while social workers and teachers are often looked down upon for not being able to find “real work.” We have been brainwashed to believe that our sense of worth is a direct reflection of what the world considers a success. Don’t believe me? Think of Bill Gates, and the first thing that comes to mind is that he is the billionaire founder of Microsoft, not the founder of the world’s largest private charitable organization that has done tremendous good throughout the entire world. Who do you consider the greatest success: an entertainer, an athlete, a billionaire, or a frail, little nun named Mother Theresa who lived in abject poverty and made the lives of millions better through her decades of service and care in the slums of Calcutta?
It is very easy to embrace success. I never had to develop any special skills to deal with praise. It is easy to be applauded for hitting the game winning homerun, but much more difficult to deal with striking out with the winning run on 3rd base. Dealing with success is not a problem; not allowing failure to define you is much tougher. Our society wants to protect children from any bad feelings. Everyone gets a trophy! We are all winners! That works really well as they get older, doesn’t it? The child is amazed that there is no trophy for a C. The young adult is angered that the coworker who put in the extra effort gets a raise, but he or she doesn’t. They become devastated that they didn’t get a reward for just being there.
One of the great dangers in not teaching a child that failure is ok and just a part of life, is that they stop trying to succeed. They become so focused on what is expected of them that they avoid any risk. That pattern just gets stronger as we get older. How often have we allowed our adult selves to take a risk or try something new? Unfortunately, too often we get to the end of our lives regretting what we didn’t do, all because of a fear of failing.
Rethink your definition of failure. Teach children that failure is nothing more than a learning process. Focus on effort and conduct on their report cards rather than just their grades. A “C” in math, the inability to hit a ball, are not indications of self worth, they are merely definitions of personal abilities. It is a mark of success if they are doing their best and are behaving well. If they have the discipline to go to practice every day and play their heart out, but still sit on the bench, THAT IS SUCCESS.
Teach them to cope and encourage their efforts! My favorite quote, one that I read when I gave a eulogy for my brother Frank, who died way too soon, was from Teddy Roosevelt, who stated:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
If you don’t teach your children how to fail, they will never succeed.
Tell Grandad what you think!