HOW A PARENT CAN HELP A CHILD COPE WITH GRIEF

Some of my most difficult times as a therapist have been with parents and children as they tried to cope with grief. My most difficult time as a parent has been to help my own children cope with their grief while I struggled with mine.

This last week my community was shaken by the sudden and tragic death of a young child. It was a terrible auto accident. Our children ask WHY? When I was 7 years old, my neighbors’ two-week-old baby died. I wanted to know WHY?   When my brother and sister in law died young, when my father came to town to celebrate my daughters’ First Communion and drowned in the hotel swimming pool, we all wanted to know WHY?

What can you say to children to explain tragedy? NOTHING. You must remember that there times when all the words in the world cannot help. If we, as adults, can’t make sense out of tragedy how can we expect to explain it to children? What can you say to children to eliminate their suffering? NOTHING. What can you do to help them cope with their grief? LOTS!

Understand that they are children and have not had the time or experience to develop coping skills. You cannot expect child grief to be the same as adult grief.

Speak clearly about death; don’t try to make it softer by describing it as “sleep” or “rest.” That can terrify a child.

Suffer with them. Pray with them. Expose your own grief and anger, and that will give them permission to expose their feelings to you. Only when you allow them to see your vulnerability will they become comfortable with theirs.

Understand that they will express their grief differently. Some children might cry, some might act with indifference; some might avoid a favorite activity that they used to enjoy with the deceased. That’s ok, it is your job to be there to talk if they want, or just to hug in silence.

Reassure them as they deal with their fears. Talk about their worries. We forget that children process and express things differently. When my father died, my daughter began sleeping on the floor next to my bed so she could reach up and hold my hand to reassure herself I was still alive. Your independent child might become clingy; your loving child might push you away.

Encourage them to remember that person, work with them to create a memory box or just have them draw or write down the fun times that they have had together.

Don’t think that they operate on a time frame. They might react today, next week or in months and you need to be alert to changes in mood and behavior and engage them.

Don’t push to “get back to normal.” The fact is that the new normal is different and it takes time to heal BUT don’t dwell on the loss either. After you help the child with their feelings, do something fun! Teach them that life is a balance between grief and joy!

Too often as parents, we try to shield our children from grief and suffering. We continually try to create a life in which everything is orderly, secure, and safe. The sad fact is that we cannot protect them from life. They will experience tragedy and grief in this strange journey of life where nothing seems to make sense. Prepare them, give them coping skills, but most importantly, teach them to also enjoy the good that life offers. It is faith in God, the love and support of family the camaraderie of friends and community, which will get them through the grief. Hold your children close, allow them to feel pain, teach them that pain will indeed pass, and help them recognize and embrace joy when it does. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our children is being one with them in their sorrow as well as joy.