ON BEING AN EFFECTIVE PARENT

I am always asked what makes up a good parent. I have to admit I usually dodge that question. I hate the terms “good parent” and “bad parent.” People seem to equate the love you have for a child, the amount of stuff you get them, and the more activities they are enrolled in, somehow equate with being a “good parent.” I wish it could be that easy. I have seen parents who love their child tremendously and organize their lives around the child’s wants but have lousy parenting skills. So, lets throw away the terms good and bad and focus on parenting effectiveness.

So what is the purpose of a parent? In a nutshell, it is to guide your child to become a moral and ethical adult, equipped with the coping skills to survive what life throws at them. That is a monumental task summed up in one short sentence.   What makes this such a difficult task? It is us! Parents have become confused. People do not know what it takes to be an effective parent. Our society has been fed vague “feel good” platitudes without good directions. For decades, children have been raised to care more about what feels good than to do what is right.

For example, lets examine the notion of happiness. One of the constant themes that parents express is that they want their children to be happy. Sounds good, but in reality happiness is like a piece of chocolate. That first bite tastes really good, then we get used to the flavor, too much makes us sick and we turn it into a waste product the next day. To be effective, you need to understand that a constant effort to make your child happy is damaging to them as well as you. It is an impossible task.   Unfortunately, we have to teach that child that they cannot be happy all the time. We need to expose them to sadness, failure and all the negative things that come with being an adult. Without that emotional “vaccine”, they will never develop the skills that will allow them to survive.

Lets take an honest look at our own egos (I confess to a certain amount of guilt in this area). We want our children to love us. We want them to be happy and tell us that we are the greatest, most loving, wonderful parents in the world. We want them to be the first in the class, graduate college Magna Cum Laude, find a spouse that will appreciate them and to recognize us as the Parent of the Year! NOT HAPPENING! We wind up judging ourselves as parents by the child’s emotions and we fail to set standards of behavior that will make them functional adults. We need to understand that children are not here to fill our emotional needs, we are here to fill theirs!

So, over the next few months, I am going to going to get on my soapbox and talk about the major obstacles that prevent effective parenting. I will talk about the need to stop worrying so much about their self esteem, how to “celebrate” failure, deal with bullies, and cope with sadness and need. Feel free to post your beliefs, disagreements, and tips for other parents. Being a parent is one of the most rewardingly difficult and frustrating job in the world and we need all the help and support we can get.

PS I would be happy to do it all over again, (but don’t tell my wife!)