HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

We have gone from worrying about what to buy for Christmas, to being pestered about spending a bunch of money on Valentines Day.  Flowers, jewelry, romantic evenings, all have come to be a ritual to prove to our lovers that they are appreciated.   Even our kids get sucked in by Hallmark. Peer pressure demands that they distribute little cards with teeth shattering candy to all fifty in their classroom.  According to the National Retail Federation, we will spend about 18.2 billion dollars (an average of 136.57 per person) to celebrate this love fest. It is the retailers who are REALLY loving this day!

Lets get back to the basics. The origin of Valentines Day is murky but it all revolves around romance between adults. There is even a thought that the celebration of Valentines Day may spring from the medieval belief that birds select their mates on February 14th. Unfortunately, society has given us so many mixed messages (all revolving around making money) that we have forgotten what love really is.

Claire and I have been together for 46 years and married for 43 of them so I feel pretty confident in being able to define what love really is. There are two basic types of love, FUN love and REAL love.

FUN LOVE is that initial WOW! It is a combination of pheromones, testosterone and estrogen, which create a cataclysmic event that robs the mind of reason! Your day revolves around that psycho-physical attraction!   This is the love of the movies where the couple skips happily through the field of wildflowers knowing that they will forever experience joy in each other’s arms. It is an important love, a great experience that has been felt since the caveman days.  It is a love that will pop up throughout your relationship but hopefully, it evolves into REAL LOVE.  The fun stuff just can’t last by itself. As life changes, so must love.

REAL LOVE begins when you take the leap of commitment. You can end a relationship or move out of your lover’s apartment fairly easily, but when you take a vow to stick with each other through good times and bad, your love takes on a whole new dimension. I remember thinking to myself that I just promised God in front of a lot of witnesses that we were going to make this work! Failure was not an option!

The marriage between Claire and I was not forecast to last. We were young, saying “I do” when I was twenty two, and she an old lady of twenty. Neither one of us had very good role models of a relationship. Our commitment to each other, persistence, and a lot of prayer, is what made it all work. During our journey, we discovered what made up “REAL LOVE”

ACCEPTANCE

We learned early on in the game that we could not change the other. I am genetically programmed to be a slob, she is programmed to keep enough food in the freezer to feed a third world country. The person you dated is the one you married. She will never enjoy the genius of “Blazing Saddles” and I will never enjoy the nuances of “Say Yes to the Dress.” You got married to make a life with each other, not to train them.

APPRECIATION

Real love is when you clean up your children’s (or each other’s) bodily fluids in the middle of the night or give a backrub without expecting anything in return. It is filling up her car, cleaning a toilet, or giving them space to recharge. Last week, after a health screening at the hospital, Claire saw that I was struggling and tied my shoelaces; that is REAL LOVE! Real love is made up of small opportunities to say THANK YOU, I CARE!

NO SCORE CARD

I get way too many couples in counseling who want to keep track of what the other person does for them, that there should be a magical 50/50 split of duties. That is a fallacy guaranteed to make a marriage fail. Real love is doing whatever you can for the relationship. Sometimes it was Claire who went above and beyond for the sake of the marriage, sometimes it was me. Real love has no score card other than another anniversary!

FORGIVENESS

There is absolutely no way that a partner will not do something that hurts the other, sometimes deeply. We all make mistakes, some of which can cause a great deal of emotional pain. 99.9% of the time those actions were never meant to hurt the other person. Real love carries a ton of understanding and forgiveness with it.

EMOTIONAL NAKEDNESS

When you and your partner stand in front of each other in your emotional nakedness with all your fears, flaws and failings exposed, and accept and hold each other in support, that is REAL LOVE. When you can get past your fear and share your innermost thoughts, sadness, and joys, you are blessed with true intimacy. When you are able to share that vulnerability with your spouse; to accept and be accepted, you have achieved REAL LOVE.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY