DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

I can’t tell you how many times I have had couples come into my office furious with each other. “He doesn’t respect me”. “She is too picky”. They sit as far away from each other as they can, smoke is coming out of their ears, and I just want to tell them both to sit down and shut up. By the way, if you have ever been in therapy and the clinician says, ”let’s just sit down and examine the issues,” that is what they mean. So, after negotiating a truce, I investigate just what caused this nuclear meltdown. Is it infidelity, criminal activities, deep dark secrets from the past? No, it is usually something like “he is a slob” or “she uses my razor.”

I am not going to say that some of the annoying habits of your spouse might be indicative of a lack of respect (usually it is a lack of education). What I will say is that too often we magnify a small problem to where it is hurting the relationship. I think that most of us in childhood have been told something like,” your brother didn’t mean to hurt you so knock it off.” So, when your partner does something that is annoying, the first thing you must ask yourself is ”are they trying to piss me off on purpose”?

Usually, not. I am not trying to aggravate my wife when I drop the dirty sock next to the hamper. I don’t think that she is trying to get me angry when she uses one of my razors and doesn’t tell me. But when something like that happens, it is so easy to get angry. Why? If it is an action that is not being done purposely to annoy you or if it does not represent a systemic lack of respect, IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL!

It can be very difficult to learn how to let it go. I know that from experience! Years ago, we had vacationed at a beach resort. Claire fell in love with that little laundry line that you could stretch across the tub for the wet suits.   So, trying to impress my bride, when we got home I installed one in our tub.  BIG MISTAKE.  At 3:30 am I stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower and head out to work. Lo and behold it looked like the Rockettes had a convention with drying pantyhose stretched across the tub dancing in the breeze.  Initially, I confess that I was a tad irritable.  I also realized that my wife and daughter would never give that laundry line up.  Was it a lack of respect? Were they trying to get me angry? No, it was five people sharing one bathroom. I moved from anger to letting it go. I then realized that when I saw them in the morning, I was thankful that they were home and safe.  I miss that now.