Why your child is not “special”

My children are special. My grandchildren are REALLY special! However, their “specialness” stops with their God, family and loved ones. I take every opportunity to tell them they are special to ME! But to the rest of the world they are just one of a billion little creatures.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of parents out there convincing their children that their very existence is a gift to the world. By the time they become tweens they have developed an inflated sense of self that will haunt them for their entire lives.

Just consider the definition of the word special:

“Better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.”

“Distinguished by some unusual quality; especially:  being in some way superior”

Modern society has put children on a pedestal. Sixty years ago the message that was handed down to me (and millions of others) were along these lines:

“You better get out and work your butt off because you are no better than anybody else”

“You might have all the talent in the world but it is a waste if you don’t do anything with it.”

Today the message is that they are special because they exist. That message creates a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness that is damaging to their life and future happiness.

It seems counterintuitive that telling a child they are special will hurt them. A great number of parents think that it will help their child’s self-esteem and that their children will learn to value themselves. However, this is WRONG! In reality, it decreases their sense of worth and increases narcissistic traits throughout their development. This is not a recent insight. As early as the start of psychology a century ago, Sigmund Freud identified the idea of “parental overvaluation” as a path to becoming a narcissistic adult.

When you tell them they are special, you also put an incredible amount of pressure on them to perform beyond their abilities. Believe it or not, children have an incredible desire to please their parents (except when it comes to taking out the garbage, cleaning their room etc, etc). When they can’t live up to what they feel are your expectations, they rebel and quit.

The false sense of self worth that children have been raised with over the last several decades have resulted in a generation of young adults who are stressed, anxious, depressed, and increasingly suicidal. They are shocked when a boss corrects them or passes them over for a raise. They are devastated when their specialness is of no value but what they achieve is the most important. They discover that their “specialness” was based on appearance rather than substance.

Most damaging is that teaching a child that they are more special than others is to teach prejudice in its purest form. After all, they don’t feel superior just to one group or gender; they feel that they are better than EVERYBODY else. They wind up going through their lives judging everybody by a standard of inflated beliefs about themselves. They do not learn that all of humanity is connected by very basic needs. They are too brainwashed to realize that we are all the same when it comes to the need to love and be loved, the need to belong and be part of something bigger than themselves.

There is no doubt that your child is an incredible creation with certain abilities that are unique to them. That is what needs to be celebrated. When a child uses their gifts in school or on the playground, the accomplishment is what is special. When a grandchild goes out of their way to help with a chore or to write that special birthday card, that is what is special. When they volunteer or help those in need, that is what is special. See the difference? It is the child’s actions that can be praised as special. When you praise a child’s actions, the results are impressive. They want to do more, they feel good about their abilities, and they develop a great sense of self-worth. That is what is SPECIAL!